How Kefka stold Christmas
by Alan Bates
Summary: Why let the Grinch have all the fun?


Title: How Kefka Stole Christmas  
By: some guy that you didn't have anything better to do than write this story and would like to say for legal reason that he doesn't own any of these characters. (and with all due respect to Dr. Suess.)  
  
Every person in Figaro Castle liked Christmas a lot.  
But this was different for Kefka, because Kefka did not!  
Kefka hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
Now please don't ask why.  
No one quite knows the reason.  
  
Perhaps it was because of his makeup and seeped down to his brain.  
Or perhaps it was because of he was completely &#%#-ing insane.  
But whatever the reason, his sanity or lip gloss  
The whole Christmas season made him quite cross.  
  
"They'll all hanging their stockings," he said with a sneer  
"'Cause tomorrow is Christmas, it's practically here"  
Then he sat, with his fingers nervously drumming  
"I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"  
  
For tomorrow he knew...  
...all of the girls and boys  
would wake up bright and early and rush for their toys  
And then, oh the joy, the joy, they all celebrate their joys  
And the joy was definitely the thing he most hated,  
For he couldn't go down there  
without being degraded.  
  
And then those young and old  
would sit down to a feast  
And they'd feast and they'd feast!  
And they'd FEAST FEAST FEAST!  
They would feast on the pudding, and then some kind of roasted beast  
The thought of which made Kefka want to puke at the least.  
  
And then they'd do something that he liked least of all  
Every person in Figaro, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, with music a ringing  
They'd stand hand in hand, and then would commence with the singing.  
And the more Kefka thought about people doing a Christmassy sing  
The more Kefka thought "I must end this whole thing!"  
For year after year, I've put up with this same  
and I must admit that I think it quite lame!  
  
I must end Christmas somehow but, but how could I come about doing this?"  
Kefka said in doubt.  
Then he got a brilliant idea  
An awful idea!  
Kefka got a brilliantly awful idea  
"I know just what to do to end their Holiday mood  
I'll go down to the castle   
And pogo stick in the Nude!  
  
It was to that comment his pet Moogle replied,  
"Perhaps it's best if you save that till there's LESS snow outside."  
"BAH!" scolded Kefka "how dare you talk to me that bold!?!"  
But the more he thought about it, the more he thought of the cold.  
  
So with that idea gone,  
He went to his second plan.  
If he had to dress up, he'd dress like the MAN  
  
"I know just what to do" Kefka laughed in his throat  
And he made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat.  
  
"listen," said the Moogle "I don't want to be mean  
But Santa wears red. Not striped neon green."  
"fine be that way!" Kefka cried.  
Then he went back to his sewing back in the cave inside.  
  
After an hour   
(or maybe it was two)  
The clown faced man mad cried "Moogle, I'm through!"  
He put on his red coat and laughed "What a brilliant trick!"  
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look like just like St. Nick!"  
"All I need is a reindeer" Kefka looked around  
But since reindeer were scarce  
There were none to be found  
  
Did that stop the bad man...?  
No, Kefka simply said  
"If I can't find reindeer, I'll make one instead!"  
He sawed up a hat rack and put it on the mog  
Stood back and he looked. He said  
"it looked better on that dog."  
  
He then loaded some bags  
And some old empty sacks  
On an rickety sleigh  
Which he had found out in the back  
  
Then the sleigh went forward,  
and Kefka headed down  
To the stupid Figaro people,  
in that Figaro town.  
  
All the windows were dark,  
and the snow filled the air  
to which Kefka complained  
Clashed with his hair  
When he came to the first door  
in the castle's square  
  
"This is stop number one" said the insane clown  
And he climbed to the chimney,  
Then he slid down,  
But the chimney was tight.  
A very tight pinch  
So he blew a hole in the roof  
And laughed "beat THAT, Grinch!"  
So through the blasted open roof,  
Into the home he went down  
He landed by the fireplace  
And then looked around  
  
The first thing he notice was the stockings hug up  
"These stockings will b the first to go" he grinned "they make me want to throw up!"  
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
  
Relm's paint set, Locke's lock picks, and Celes's new skirt  
He took the Shadow's new mask and even Sabin's Santa Clause shirt  
But he didn't stop there, no he didn't pause  
He continued to steal,  
That fake Santa Clause  
The took the wreath from the window  
The mat from in front of the door  
(and for VERY different reason)  
The contents of Terra's underwear drawer!  
  
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Kefka, with a groan,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, through the hole he had blown!  
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the gang's feast!  
He took all the pudding! He took their roasted beast!  
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.  
And if HE didn't want to eat it, he threw it into the trash!  
  
Then he stuffed all the food up the hole with glee.  
"And NOW!" grinned Kefka, "I will stuff up the tree!"  
And Kefka grabbed the tree, and he started to shove  
When he heard a small sound coming from the room above.  
He turned around fast, and he saw a small girl!  
It was little Relm, and she was so cute that he wanted to hurl.  
She stared at Kefka and said, "Santa, why,  
Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"  
  
But, you know, that Kefka was so smart and so slick  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
  
"Why, my little girl, 'cause I'm Santa. Not that Kefka creep  
And I DIDN'T come here to kill you all in your sleep."  
the fake Santa replied.  
"You see there's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.  
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.  
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."  
  
His fib fooled the girl, and he patted her on the head  
and sang off-key carols until she passed out and her ears bled.  
And when Miss Relm lay unconscious on the floor,  
HE went, grabbed the tree, and walked out the door!  
Then the last thing he took  
Was the log for their fire.  
Then he went up to the next castle wing, that mean pale liar.  
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.  
And the one speck of food  
That he left in the house  
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.  
Then  
He did the same thing  
To the other Figaro rooms  
Leaving crumbs  
too small for mouses and oh…let's say  
Backwards talking brooms…  
  
It was quarter past dawn...  
All of Figaro, still in bed  
still asleep, dreaming their dreams  
When he packed up his sled,  
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!  
Back a thousand feet up, back on top of his tower,  
Kefka decided he'd sell it on e-bay.  
But first he'd take a shower  
  
After the shower the clown I the Santa Clause suit  
Went to his sleigh   
To count all his loot  
  
"Heh!" he said out loud.  
"They're finding out no Christmas is coming!" he said looking down at the crowd  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
"Then all those stupid Returners will all cry BOO-HOO!"  
"That's a noise," said Kefka with a sneer,  
"That's a noise that I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And Kefka put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  
It started in low. Then it started to grow...  
But the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sound sounded glad!  
It couldn't be so!  
But it WAS merry!   
VERY MERRY!  
  
He stared down towards Figaro,  
there in the castle, standing in the snow  
There was everyone.  
Every person in Figaro, the tall and the small,  
Was singing their songs! Without any presents at all!  
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
  
IT CAME!  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!  
  
And Kefka, with his pale feet ice-cold in the snow,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?  
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!  
It came without packages, boxes or bags!"  
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.  
Then Kefka thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.  
Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"  
And what happened then...?  
Well...some people say  
That Kefka's sanity returned (a little)  
that day!  
And the minute his head started feeling alright,  
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light  
With the sleigh packed with presents he came down from his abode  
With a strained Moogle pulling the load.  
  
Unfortunately for him, what he thought of too late  
Was moogles weren't meant to pull such a huge weight.  
Their little wings couldn't handle the strain  
So down came the sleigh, the Moogle, and Kefka the insane.  
  
There was a tremendous crash and a huge fiery boom  
That shook the whole castle from room to room.  
Gone were Kefka, the moogle, their presents, their new clothes and toy trucks  
Leaving a presentless Locke to exclaim  
"Man, this Christmas sucks."  
  


End file.
